As mentioned at the conclusion of our previous article, we were going to write about some of the unique ways there are to say goodbye but we also want to acknowledge the holidays that are upon us. For this reason I would like to shift the focus to “uniquely remembered”. Although there can be a deep shift that takes place when we say goodbye to someone who has died, we also keep that person with us to be remembered in many ways as well. The end of year “holiday season” can be particularly difficult for some; especially those who are facing this season for the first time without the physical presence of their loved one. There may be decorations going up, wrapping of small gifts, special music and festivities filled with laughter and gratitude while someone is coping with the adjustment of loss. My hope is to spark an idea of what you think it is to “uniquely remember” a loved one and continue to include them, even when they cannot be physically present.
There are many ways we honor our loved ones and it can be meaningful to adopt a gesture such as lighting a candle each night for a period of time to pause and reflect or collect craft supplies to donate in the name of the person that passed away to an after-school program. Another idea that I picked up from a Bereavement Counselor was this: around Thanksgiving take an unused shoe box and wrap it with Christmas paper. Carefully cut an opening in the top that is large enough to put slips of paper into. Each day take a slip of paper and write a word, a memory, something you are thankful for to the person you are remembering and put it in the box. (It is nice if you include others to contribute to the box as well.) On Christmas you unwrap the gift box that your loved one “has given you”.
There are also rituals and religious observations that are not only appropriate but also a sacred obligation for many. I do not want to give the impression that those don’t matter because they do. For someone not familiar with Romany rituals or Islamic observations for example, it may appear very unique when in fact these are rooted in tradition. The important thing is doing what is meaningful.
In my decades of helping families make (funeral) arrangements, it has been apparent to me how important it is to capture “the facets of the person” who has died. Whether the relationship is family, friends of common interest or faith, professional, or casual acquaintance – we have an impact. The only thing worse than going to a (funeral) service that is devoid of the person’s passions, humor, beliefs, challenges and triumphs is having to pay for one. This is what I believe to be the driving force of the “Celebration of Life” and we couldn’t agree more…. because Milestones Matter.